Forgiveness is one of those words that we hear in all kinds of contexts. We’ve probably all heard hundreds of sermons on forgiveness. Or lack of forgiveness. Here are some things I’ve heard about forgiveness.
Forgive those who sin against you
Forgive and Forget
Forgive daily, don’t go to bed angry
Unforgiveness is like letting them live rent free in your head
Forgiveness solves everything
Unless you forgive, you can’t be forgiven
But there are flaws in some of these prescriptions. Unfortunately, we often don’t forgive once and experience the freedom of the great stories in sermons - nice as that would be. Sometimes a little EMDR does a better job of helping us reframe difficult emotions, especially those that involve forgiveness.
I’ve seen many of these kinds of “forgiveness”. Many of the religious leaders in my old life would rather vanish than practice the difficult road of transformational forgiveness. The systems I left remain silent, and when they speak, they make accusations about “why people leave in order to sin more,” while refusing to acknowledge their participation in causing harm and refusing to reflect, much less repent. Deep forgiveness, the kind that changes lives and transforms systems of oppression, is rare.
As I sit and think about forgiveness, the thing that pops up for me is the word repent and the idea of change. Forgiveness is all well and good, but for many of us that have been hurt by the church, forgiving isn’t enough when change doesn’t happen.
There’s always two sides of forgiveness. The forgiver and the forgiven. Forgiving is about us, me. I have to choose to forgive. Forgiveness frees my heart to move forward. Forgiveness helps me move past situations, experiences, and relationships that were harmful. Forgiveness is what I get to do in response to wrongdoing/hurt/abuse etc.
While the word may be spoken once - I forgive you - the practice of forgiveness can linger for a long time. It’s normal to have to revisit these things in our mind's eye, and have to work out our forgiveness, much like our faith, with a little fear and trembling. Forgiveness requires an ongoing expression of a forgiven state of being.
The forgiven person or thing, has some work to do. Now, sometimes the forgiven person was just wronged and they can accept the forgiveness and move on. But you know, especially in talking about faith transitions, very often the forgiven person/system has some work to do to merit unconditional forgiveness. To repent - to accept the fact that you hurt someone and are truly sorry - means to then turn away from that behavior or action.
The church terrorist that abuses everyone but always demands forgiveness…yeah, not so much. Go to counseling, work out your shit, and when you’ve learned to be honest about yourself, maybe we can talk.
The youth pastor that groomed young women into feeling safe in his office alone, who then stalks them and asks for sexual favors…yeah dude, 6 months of “Christian counseling” and a public apology aren’t going to cut it. Go sell cars.
The church system that puts pastors and missionaries in vulnerable positions by not supplying them with enough resources to live safely…until you start being honest that healthcare is a human right, and that sending a single girl to a foreign city with no finances and no language skills is sinning against her, don’t expect forgiveness.
To the parents who abuse their children and neglect them by not providing them a safe home, (or kicks them out because they’re queer, or pregnant, or got a tattoo) … unless you change, acknowledge your failure, and work to mend fences, your adult child doesn’t have to talk to you or forgive you. Do the work.
What forgiveness doesn’t mean is signing up for more of the same. The problem with forgive and forget often means you just want me to sign up for more of the same. Abusers love this. Abusive systems love this. But it’s not graceful to sign up to be harmed on purpose. When people and systems hurt others, forgive and forget becomes a nice cover story for abuse. And church, we’re not interested.
A theology of forgiveness means being willing to change. The forgiver has to change their perspective and the forgiven needs to change their behavior. Bonhoeffer alludes to this here: “Forgiveness is a form of suffering — when I forgive I have not only suffered the offense but also released or suppressed the rightful claims of strict retributive justice in favor of a costly redemptive justice.”
We don’t seek revenge. But redemptive justice encourages us to look for change, to look for a life that has been renewed in the face of pain. I think adrienne maree brown calls us to a way of being that is a different practice than what we find in most churches and even families. When talking to people about justice, she often asks:
“What’s happening in your life and in the relationships you have with your family and how you treat people when you’re upset with them — I always ask people that, when I talk about transformative justice: Are you punishing anyone right now? And could that punishment be shifted into a boundary or a request? Is there a courageous conversation that needs to be had? How do you personally begin to practice whatever’s in alignment with your largest vision?”
We all know about the idea of confronting the sinner alone and then in a group. Dealing out judgment while offering repentance as an ultimatum. Instead, here, brown offers us to look inward first. Then think about what is a healthy way to deal with what’s going on.
Boundaries isn’t just a Sunday School class, when done well - without the scriptural overlay - having good boundaries is part of successful #adulting. And yet often a church does its thing by violating boundaries. Of course it doesn’t feel that way when you’re inside, but demanding allegiance, that you dress and act a certain way, that you take on the choices of others as something you can control - those are boundary issues.
So when faced with wrongs that need to be made right, what would it look like to set and communicate a boundary or to make a reasonable request? Then maybe there is a conversation that needs to be had, but not as a hierarchical ambush, but as folx trying to find a way forward.
This takes time, work, energy, and commitment. Maybe if we had fewer prayer meetings and we used that time to work on reconciling to each other in these hard but authentic ways, we’d have healthier churches and families. What if our goal, our hope was to, “... harness and shape things, towards community, towards liberation, towards justice?” (brown)
I guess, like many things as I look back at the church and faith, forgiveness needs to be rooted in action, not just words. Praying a prayer is good, confessing is good, but without changed behavior we will find ourselves back at the altar wondering why we’re here again.
Prayer only changes things when we change with it. Without practicing an active and transformative form of forgiveness, we end up with forgive and forget. And quite frankly, that hasn’t worked out so well for so many people. Maybe it’s time to try something new.
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From Janel: I just want to make it clear that this is work in progress. This might morph and change over time. But for today, this is how it feels.