Forgiveness and Living Well
My last entry was a little on the pessimistic side. Forgiveness is more complicated than what I learned in Sunday School. Finding a cohesive theology of forgiveness can be hard. However, this week we also want to look at the psychological side of forgiveness. In particular, what does forgiveness do for our own well being?
While a cliché of clichés, I didn’t learn of this one until later in life, “Holding a grudge is letting a person live rent free in your head.” I could have saved a lot of time and energy by learning this early and practicing my forgiveness skills. Now, just for review, I’m not a fan of forgive and forget for the sake of it, especially in the face of harm and trauma. However, there are things that can be forgiven and released that open up a space in us for healing to flourish.
I recently found something that talked about unforgiveness as a kink in a garden hose. If we allow the kink to remain, lots of things are impacted. Not only do the plants suffer, but we suffer from the effort of restraining and limiting ourselves. Over time we get used to suffering and may even walk away from a person or related activities because the pain is just too much.
Sometimes we go years with this kind of pain. But the author goes on to say this, “But once I do forgive, I realize I am able to deeply water my own seeds and grow in new ways. And that’s when the garden really comes into blossom. In the end, forgiveness of others allows your own life to flow better, letting grace, love and joy stream more freely for you.” (Elizabeth Murray, 121)
Desmond Tutu stated it this way,
“However, when I talk of forgiveness, I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive, then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person, too.”
This has been true for me in interpersonal relationships but also in my deconstruction. When I’m hurt, it’s easy for me to lean into anger. And the pool of anger that developed around leaving the church was substantial. And, even as I would deal with one piece, more would seem to backfill in its place. Even today there is some anger that pops up, even as I try very hard to not let that be a regular meditation partner.
That anger (and I think in this case it is tied to unforgiveness) made it hard to make progress in moving past the wounds of the church. The deep injustice that surrounded it all. The years of invested time and energy that feel lost in the past. All those things made (and still some days make) it hard to fully release it.
Then, a few years ago, I was attending a conference where we were given a stone to hold and were asked to think about what we would imbue in that stone in order to then release it. For me, that was my anger and unforgiveness. And, being the overachiever I am, I actually had two stones. One that I released at that moment and one that I gave to a friend.
My friend Dan was around as I disintegrated after leaving the church. He didn’t shy away from naming my anger in a loving way. He never pushed too hard, or gave up on me, he just quietly reminded me that there was more to this journey than staying angry, in that unforgiving place. And so, since he was also at the conference, I gave him the second stone and asked him to take the rest of my anger and dispose of it. And he did. And it helped.
I don’t think I could have really done this alone. My unforgiveness, that cloud of anger was intense and easy to access. But you know, I don’t miss it. I’m not saying it's all unicorns and rainbows, but now when anger surfaces, it's about specific injustices, often as I listen to people share their stories, and it helps me take that pain and turn it into something that will hopefully help break up someone else’s cloud of anger and unforgiveness.
Forgiveness is hard. It’s hard on others, but it’s really hard on ourselves. Carrying around unforgiveness is a burden that can keep us from moving into places of love and hope, of peace and growth. Forgiveness fertilizes the places in us that help us find restoration and new life.
I want to encourage you to take a moment and see if you have a place of unforgiveness. Where are you holding that anger and nurturing it like a dragon keeps it hoard? What would it mean to let that go? Imagine how it would feel to leave that weight behind? Imagine walking away from it and toward something new.
I can’t promise you’ll never have those feelings again. But I think I can say this, the more you practice forgiving this thing/person/moment the easier it will get. And the more you offer forgiveness, the more you can spend that energy living a new life. And if you want, you can help others find a new way forward too.