Like the Others: Stuck in the Dark

Jason hit the nail on the head with his last post. I know that feeling so well.

After I left my last church assignment, I spent 5 years in the muck - not knowing what forward would look like, not knowing what to do with my pain filled days, not feeling like I would ever climb out of that hole. Some days I didn’t even know if there was a forward.

I have never felt more alone. 

I didn’t know who around me would understand what I was going through. I was ahead of my friends in deconstruction. I was dealing with chronic migraine (that means 15+ days a month of migraine, not including pre-days and recovery days). It felt like my future had been erased by a giant chalkboard eraser. It was still all smudgy, with fuzzy edges, and everyone once in while it felt like the damn thing bopped me upside the head. It was not great.

One day I called an acquaintance on FB and asked him what it was like to be happy - he looked so happy. I asked how he figured out what to do with his life (which was on the trajectory we could all see in High School). He humored me and in that, gave me a bit of hope. While he didn’t even see his life the way I did in those moments, he helped me see that life is a lot about perspective and adaptation. That change would come if I was willing to see it. 

Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Unsplash