When it comes to forgiveness and relationships, the water can be murky. As I’ve been trying to figure out what I have to offer on this topic, knowing my own failures in this area, I think it’s becoming clearer that there are some things we must consider when it comes to forgiveness. Things that, in many of our religious traditions, were all thrown into one big bundle and expected to work out. I also want to share some dreams about what forgiveness could be, if we lived in a world where authenticity and reciprocity were deeply practiced.
What’s hard about forgiveness are all the things Jason mentioned - power and control, perceived power and control, our resistance to having messy interactions, etc. I think I find some other things that make it difficult as well. Like trauma and abuse, personality disorders, and the internal stories we build around difficult times in our lives.
Forgiveness can be a powerful experience in the face of trauma and abuse. I’ve always been fascinated with the stories of people that forgive the person that murdered someone they love. They sit down in a room together, listen to each other's stories, and forgiveness is offered for unthinkable acts. That’s pretty amazing. But I know from reading those stories, it is also, often, a lot of hard work.
But in my experience where trauma and abuse are involved, the perpetrator often has no interest in something that either they don’t think was bad or that they refuse to admit to or apologize for. In that case, I can forgive but not expect any kind of resolution. I can practice forgiveness, but am not sure how the world is made better.
I know of one case where a friend was abused in church, and the perpetrator, while claiming he was sorry on the stand, was sneaking around the rules to see his minor children. Evidently #notsorry for causing harm, just sorry for being caught. Did he deserve forgiveness? I know she benefitted from working through that harm, but forgiveness ended there.
What is forgiveness without reparation and reconciliation? What is forgiveness without change?
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